you know that i could use somebody.

So here I am. I know, it's been forever since I've posted anything but i've been horribly busy.

We're already halfway through the semester, how insane is that??

I miss home, I won't deny it but not because of the reason you think.
I had a seizure the beginning of September and since then, things have been racing past so fast I can't keep ahold of everything. They realized my heartbeat is slow (like in the 40s) occasionally and thats they're only clue to why I had a seizure. We think this has been happening since the spring because I went to the doctor then, but they dismissed it as nothing. I feel dazed and exhausted all the time, and right now overwhelmed. I love FSU, but with everything on my mind, being at home comforts me. Being at FSU in my dorm, is like being at camp and that's not what I need right now. I've had to miss some of my classes to go to my cardiologist in Jacksonville. I could have went in Tallahassee but he's been seeing me since I was born and I was more comfortable with that. So the doctor appts and tests are a little agravating and pretty much just stress me out with having to arrange them around classes.

I kinda convinced myself last week that everything was fine, but then on Thursday when I went to see the Dr. Armstrong (my cardiologist) it was kind of a rude awakening that everything isn't okay.

I just want to get past all of this and be a normal college kid.

I did get some inspiration over the weekend about my future. I'm gonna get my four year degree somewhere in the medical field. But instead of going to med school I may just become a PA, or here's something new, a NURSE. and then after that, I want to join the Air Force and fly a jet. No joke. I've wanted to since I was like 8 but I always thought that it was absurd. Now i've realized that nothing is absurd or impossible. If it's meant to be, it'll find a way.

I think that's all for now. Off to do some never-ending homework.

Good Night,
Caila Lanell

and everyday is a start of something beautiful.

So my going away/birthday party was amazing! I had so much fun. Even though a few things weren't as great as I though they would be, my party still couldn't have been better.

The fireworks were amazing, they were BEAUTIFUL!
My close friends were there, and the people that mattered, so even though a lot of people stood me up, everything was wonderful!



After I got my physical this morning for the Marching Chiefs, I came home and started packing.

I never thought it would be this overwhelming or stressful. It really is like moving out! I guess I was looking at it like a trip...
But I got a lot done today, unfortunately I still have tons to do tomorrow.

Tomorrow, me and mom are going grocery shopping for my dorm (yay!) and picking up a few last minute things. I'm so excited but nervous. I don't know ANYONE from the marching chiefs, and i'm not the easiest person to make friends considering I tend to be shy. but, I'm branching out and starting fresh. I'm starting a new beginning and that's what I've got to focus.
Cait wants to take me tomorrow evening to get a "date" outfit for my birthday. ROFL
She thinks i'm gonna need one [we'll see] but leave it to her to think of that stuff. which shows how completely opposite we are! gotta love her...

Samuel and me went off the other night, and i finally saw Harry Potter! It was amazing and I can't wait till the seventh one!! But we had tons of fun, and it's really gonna make me miss my friends even more. but they're just a phone call away!

[i'm trying to stay positive if you haven't noticed. hehe]

OH! and the other day I found out that an "alternate" for the marching chiefs is completely different from an alternate for high school. An alternate to them means sharing a spot on the field with someone else, and you guys rotate off each game. So you still perform, just not at every game. So either way, at preseason training, I'm happy, because I will be able to perform in the fall. So, i'm going to put 100% in, and if i get a regular position, awesome. if i get an alternate, awesome. Either way I perform, so I couldn't be happier. :)

Well I think that's all, besides the fact that my parents bought me a brand new laptop... and it happens to be GREEN! :D I get it in a couple of weeks, until then, i'm taking my desktop with me.

Lots of love,
Caila Lanell

there is love in times of need, when life is cold there is a promise, you will never go without.

So Saturday is my party. and i'm been crazy busy trying to get everything together on top of leaving next week for tally.

...but maybe that's a good thing. because everytime i stop to think about saturday and leaving for college, the first thing i think about is that meme won't be there.
and then i want to cancel everything and crawl into bed with pillows over my head.

there should be some kind of hideaway you can go to when nothing feels right anymore....


Oh, and i'm 18 today!! but it's not like i'm gonna smoke so no big deal. lol but cait and steph made me a butterfly cake and mom, me, steph, and cait all rented a movie tonight. so i had fun :)

You say life is waiting for the one to lose control.

So I'm back from the Keys, unfortunately. I loved it there. I have a new dream to add to my list. I want to graduate from school and buy a beach house. I haven't decided if i want like a weekend house and then live in an apartment but i definitely want a beach house. or maybe i can be a travel doctor.... I'm not even thinking about marriage, because I'm going to do what I dream of doing, and then if I decide to get married, then okay. But I'm not compromising what I want to do, for someone else.

We went snorkeling and kayaking and walked Duval Street (which was halarious). We took stitch kayaking and went to this little deserted island and stitch went running through the water and mangroves. and then she lost her bikini bottoms (yes she has a bathing suit lol) and dad had to go searching for them :P

But now I'm back and planning a party in 2 weeks. wow. that will be a first.
and I have to be at my first marching chiefs rehearsal on August 14th. Then after that rehearsal, I move into my dorm at 8pm. Then i have to be on the field again at 7:30 in the morning for preseason training. FUN FUN! haha
But i'm excited. I can't believe that in a few weeks I will be living on my own. and in 8 days I will be 18! but it's not like i want to smoke or anything, so it's not really that significant....

and everytime I think about future plans. like college, or my party. i always think about meme... but then i realize that she won't be there. and it really sucks. when me and mom went college shopping the other day, it was really sad. She always went shopping with us.. she just did. and we were so excited to go college shopping and thinking about us doing it without her was just wrong. it didn't feel right at all. she should be there, telling me what's overpriced or cute or something i need. but she wasn't there... it's like a piece of me is missing.

anyways. my going away/birthday party is on August 8th at 5pm. Just in case anyone didn't get an invitation. Just let me know if you're going. Paige is handing a bunch of invitations at band rehearsal on Monday.

<3 Caila Lanell

"Well it's hard enough to hear

Harder still, to move beyond this fear

We know there's nothing I can bring,

So tell me what do you want from me?

But You say let it go, You say let it go

You say life is waiting for the one to lose control."

~ Let It Go by Tenth Avenue North

no shoes, no shirt, no problems. :P

I hate headaches.

Not just migraines, but the tired, all-day headaches too. Migraines, I take a bunch of meds, go to sleep, somtimes throw up, wake up and it's gone.
But the headache I've had all day, is like my brain going "I need sleep!! You've overloaded me with thoughts, and I'm exhausted!!" haha seriously...

I didn't sleep worth anything last night. All I did was toss and turn restlessly no matter how tired I was. I hope I can sleep tonight :/

Well, tomorrow I'm getting up at 4 in the morning, and driving for 8 hours to the Keys. I wish I could teletransport. lol I'm really excited though, especially about scuba diving! and also saltwater fishing.

When I get back, I hope I can hang out with my friends. I miss them too much, and I just want to have a relaxing last-half of my summer. I can't go to church camp though, because that week I'm going to my grandma's house. which sucks, but I need to spend time with my grandma. I haven't been to her house in over a year. and I also have to plan my going away party. Which I'm really excited about, even though it's not going to be as big as i had hoped. But things have happened that needed my time more.

well I'm off to lay down and listen to the rain and thunder. it's quite relaxing when you're inside with pjs on. Text me this week, I'll actually be able to get back to ya on a timely manner. =)

no one up there will say goodbye.

We buried Meme today. It still feels like a bad nightmare that no one can wake up from. The service was simple yet amazing. Exactly what Meme would have wanted. The church she goes to is pretty big and it was packed! that just shows how lovely of a lady she was and how loved she was and is. My slideshow turned out perfect, and now I have many copies to make, and one to make for another funeral. lol [which i don't mind, i just wanted it to be something special for meme]

The hardest part was letting go. and then after that, i realized that she is closer than she would have ever been. i feel like she is sitting on my shoulders, guiding me along. and I feel so strong and capable. i was telling mom how hard its going to be, being in tallahassee and not being able to pick up the phone and talk to her, and mom told me that she is closer, and that speaking to her will be much easier than picking up a phone now. which is the truth.

We are leaving for our vacation to the keys on wednesday and then we get back the wednesday after that. Then I have just a few more weeks left that I have to get all my stuff together for college [LOTS and LOTS] and visit grandma. on top of planning that party.

but at least i will be busy and distracted....

i'm upset that i can't make it to church camp, but everything that's happened this summer was unplanned, and it leaves so much to catch up on and do. this is not the summer i dreamed of, and definitely not the summer i wanted. but i'll see her again one day. and all that matters is that she isn't in pain and she's holding Grandpa Clarence's hand and dancing.

She went out with fireworks.

So it's a little hard for me to sleep at the moment. It all happened so fast, and really TOO fast.

Meme passed away today around 1:30. I'm still trying to grasp the fact that she's in heaven.

She was a wonderful woman & a very faithful servant to her Lord. It leaves me so impatient to wait to go to heaven. I want to be there now, dancing and walking with the Lord, her and grandpa clarence.
Meme and me always had this weird connection. People always said that I was like her a lot, so I cared for her a lot, and could really relate to her. This has been one of the hardest weeks I have ever faced in my life. and I feel like I've aged mentally 10 years after all this.

When she was in Brook's, she had another stroke, except this one ended up being a major bleed. The doctors couldn't do anything for her, so they sent her to hospice. So that's where I've been this whole week. It's really upsetting because it seems like just yesterday she was in therapy starting to use her left side and mom and me were so excited that she would be able to make it to my going away party. I couldn't wait for her to make it home. Then all in a flash, we were rushing back from Tallahassee.

It's going to be the toughest next couple of months. Going to Tallahassee is going to be really hard. She was so proud that I was going off to college, and the fact that she won't be there to wish me off, just makes it depressing. and on top of that, I'll be so far away from my family. that doesn't make it any better. I won't know what she thinks about any of my boyfriends anymore, and whether she approves. I won't be able to look to her for spiritual guidance. I won't even be able to ask her to hem these pants or fix this strap on a dress. No more random lunches with meme and mom. and no more shopping for little nick nacks needed for special occasions or school, or etc. No more christmas light looking at the house down the road, and no more banana pudding or buttermilk biscuits, or thanksgiving stuffing.
I know that she will always be there, but no more hugs and no more memories is what's killing me.
We were going to make quilts together this summer... but now I'm going to make one for her.

All I can do now is thank the Lord that she went so peacefully, with no pain. and that we all got a chance to say goodbye. It just seems too soon.
Now I look at medical school like "how can i not?" there is so much undiscovered and so many things that can be prevented. maybe one day people like my meme can survive a brain bleed & maybe one day i can give hope to families like mine.
and i know that she is looking down with so much hope that i will go as far as i can, and for her, i will. With the Lord by my side, the possibilities are endless.

I just want to see her again so badly....